5. Nintendo Jacket – Nothing says I’m an old, balding creepazoid like this Nintendo jacket featuring the iconic original NES controller. Couple this beauty with a good pair of black sweatpants and you’ll be calling the police to arrest the ladies off of you.

4. Retro Gaming Ties – These ties feature classic scenes from gaming’s golden era. From Tetris and Pong to Space Invaders and Asteroids—each one seems to be frowning in on itself a bit with shame. Seriously, even the aging folks who developed these classic games think these ties are nerdy.

3. Piranha Plant Underwear – These stylish, black underoos are perfect for those who are geeky to the absolute core. The famous Piranha Plant from the Super Mario Bros. series makes quite the statement when worn under some skinny jeans and complemented with some Chuck Taylors. It’s too bad no one except your dude friends and your mom will ever get to see them.

2. Contra Sweater – This Contra turtleneck sweater is just begging to be part of a dysfunctional family’s Christmas card. Featuring the ambiguously gay duo of Bill and Lance, this winter weather masterpiece says “hey, it’s cool; I actually prefer being a virgin.”

1. Super Mario Bros. Sweater Vest – Speaking of virgins, this little fella sets ‘em up and knocks ‘em down when he wears this hand-knit masterpiece from the 8-bit era. If I ever see this guy out in public I’m killing him myself.

I remember being a kid on Christmas. It was badass. Waking up, running to the tree, unwrapping “filler” gifts like socks and clothes, just hoping that the video game or console I really wanted was under there somewhere. It usually was; and I’d then spend the rest of the day playing it with my little brother, friends and other prepubescent family members that were over for Christmas dinner. It was the best day ever, renewed annually.

Now things are different. Christmas sucks. What used to be a happy and carefree day has turned into a series of annoying obligations that gets between me and my video games—renewed annually. Between hopping from place to place, celebrating Christmas like a desperate nomad, and not receiving any video games as presents from my “loved ones”, the magic has pretty much expired. I know some of you guys with wives or kids know what I’m talking about. But, what can you do?

Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to take Christmas back! I just need to figure out a brilliant plan for next year and then execute. Maybe I’ll purposely get excommunicated from the Catholic Church, or become Jewish but celebrate Christmas in secret away from my family. I don’t know yet—but something needs to be done before I go on a rampage and stab my entire family with sharpened candy canes.

Merry Christmas.

See that picture? That’s genuine mammoth marrow!

Science is cool—and a bunch scientists from the Sakha Republic’s mammoth museum in Russia and the Kinki University in Japan will set out in 2012 to successfully bring the species Mammuthus back to life in a matter of five years’ time.

In August of this year, a thigh bone of a mammoth was found in the Siberian permafrost containing marrow that’s possibly in good enough condition to use to clone the long extinct creature. The plan is—and please excuse the attempt at understanding a complex scientific process—to extract mammoth DNA to be placed in the nuclei of the egg cell of its closest living relative, the African elephant for gestation. The mammoth embryo will then be placed inside the womb of the elephant in hopes that a healthy mammoth calf will be born. Simple!

The problem is, it’s not at all simple… and even if they can successfully do the above, cloning (as we all know from South Park) is slippery slopes.

Last Sunday marked the end of the 2011 NASCAR Sprint Cup season and the end to Jimmie Johnson’s reign of five straight championships. In arguably the most exciting championship battle in NASCAR history, Tony Stewart edged out Carl Edwards for the Homestead Ford 400 victory AND the Sprint Cup trophy.

Tony “Smoke” Stewart’s performance during this race (and throughout the entire Chase, really) was an amazing feat of talent, determination and grit—and it’s something as a long-time NASCAR fan that will stick in my mind forever. He passed 118 cars (sometimes 3 at a time) on his way from the back of the pack TWICE after issues with his grill put him as far back as 40^th position. He dodged wrecks, debris and problems on pit road. He dodged raindrops and big picture uncertainties with his crew. He made his car work high, low and everywhere in between. It was like he was channeling Earnhardt and the luck of the gods.

Tony Stewart was already considered one of the sport’s top drivers… In my mind now, he has crossed over to “legend” status alongside names like Pearson, Petty and Stewart’s own hero, A.J. Foyt. Congratulations Smoke!

A couple of weeks before the release of Gears of War 3, Gears of War: The Board Game will hit store shelves. You see, it's a board game with all of the excitement of Gears of War the video game—except it's probably not even close to as exciting. Sadly, I still totally want it. Fantasy Flight Games makes a pretty good case with this trailer and, honestly, the little figurines would make a great addition to my ongoing army vs. Indians vs. firemen vs. cowboys war I have going on in my sandbox.

I got dibs on Cole Train!

According to Amazon.com, Gears of War: The Board Game releases on August 31^st for about $80.

The Saints Row franchise has always sort of been Grand Theft Auto’s immature little brother. The lower production values, hokey set pieces and overall THQ-ness never really did much for anybody who wasn’t high on PCP. Not that Saints Row 2 was a bad game; it’s just never quite stepped out of the shadows and developed itself as anything more than a GTA clone. But, things may be about to change… or not.

From the looks of the latest developer walkthrough of Saints Row: The Third, it seems that Volition has come to party. And even though she’s not the prettiest girl at the prom, she is the most likely to hold a gun to your head and force you to break in to a nursery to eat babies. Good times.

You can see from this video that Saints Row is very comfortable with its role in the world—and is as unapologetic about it as ever. The over-the-top weaponry (Dildo Bats, Apoco-fists, Man-o-pults, oh my!) and disturbing antics is obviously the sort of thing Volition thinks games like GTA are lacking—and I sort of agree. After all, sandboxes were meant to be played in, right?

Saints Row: The Third hits shelves November 15^th.