I remember being a kid on Christmas. It was badass. Waking up, running to the tree, unwrapping “filler” gifts like socks and clothes, just hoping that the video game or console I really wanted was under there somewhere. It usually was; and I’d then spend the rest of the day playing it with my little brother, friends and other prepubescent family members that were over for Christmas dinner. It was the best day ever, renewed annually.

Now things are different. Christmas sucks. What used to be a happy and carefree day has turned into a series of annoying obligations that gets between me and my video games—renewed annually. Between hopping from place to place, celebrating Christmas like a desperate nomad, and not receiving any video games as presents from my “loved ones”, the magic has pretty much expired. I know some of you guys with wives or kids know what I’m talking about. But, what can you do?

Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to take Christmas back! I just need to figure out a brilliant plan for next year and then execute. Maybe I’ll purposely get excommunicated from the Catholic Church, or become Jewish but celebrate Christmas in secret away from my family. I don’t know yet—but something needs to be done before I go on a rampage and stab my entire family with sharpened candy canes.

Merry Christmas.