5. Nintendo Jacket – Nothing says I’m an old, balding creepazoid like this Nintendo jacket featuring the iconic original NES controller. Couple this beauty with a good pair of black sweatpants and you’ll be calling the police to arrest the ladies off of you.
4. Retro Gaming Ties – These ties feature classic scenes from gaming’s golden era. From Tetris and Pong to Space Invaders and Asteroids—each one seems to be frowning in on itself a bit with shame. Seriously, even the aging folks who developed these classic games think these ties are nerdy.
3. Piranha Plant Underwear – These stylish, black underoos are perfect for those who are geeky to the absolute core. The famous Piranha Plant from the Super Mario Bros. series makes quite the statement when worn under some skinny jeans and complemented with some Chuck Taylors. It’s too bad no one except your dude friends and your mom will ever get to see them.
2. Contra Sweater – This Contra turtleneck sweater is just begging to be part of a dysfunctional family’s Christmas card. Featuring the ambiguously gay duo of Bill and Lance, this winter weather masterpiece says “hey, it’s cool; I actually prefer being a virgin.”
1. Super Mario Bros. Sweater Vest – Speaking of virgins, this little fella sets ‘em up and knocks ‘em down when he wears this hand-knit masterpiece from the 8-bit era. If I ever see this guy out in public I’m killing him myself.
