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7 Real-World Things You Can Do That'll Make You Better at Spider-Man

This is useful and relevant. 

Insomniac's highly anticipated PS4 exclusive Spider-Man game is finally here! We're super excited to sling through NYC as Spidey, and ever since the embargo lifted we've all been reading article after article. But there's a trend. IGN, GameSpot, Polygon, and GamesRadar have all published 'things to know when starting the game' list articles. Don't get us wrong, we totally appreciate the help, but there's an untapped market here. What about the people who can't get the game right away? What can they do to prepare? 

Here we are! Answering the call! Those of us who don't have the game need to take the time to really get into the mind of Peter Parker/Spidey. And we've developed a list that'll help you out! So here are a few things to do that will, without a shadow of a doubt, make you better at Spider-Man when it comes time to go pick it up from the corner haberdashery. 

Warm up your old CRT TV

4K? Who needs it! Do you really want to feel that nostalgia start running back? Well then channel your inner Peter Parker and jerry rig your PS4 to an old cathode ray TV. All the young whippersnappers with their vinyl records and fixed gear bicycles are throwing it back to the old days anyway. Might as well blaze the trail with video games.

   

Make Your Xbox Friends Aware That They Won't Get To Play It (Unless you're nice and let them) 

The best thing about PS4 exclusives simply is the fact that they're PS4 exclusives. So why not make each of your friends with XB1's as their primary console feel bad just for a little bit? What's the worst that could happen? All your friends getting mad at you and leaving you alone so you can eventually play Spider-Man in peace? Either do that or share the love and let them give it a try. Up to you. 

Do Yoga (and Make Sure Your Xbox Friends Know About That Too)

If you ever want to be a good Spider-Man, you'll have to be limber and flexible. That's why Yoga is perfect to get your body in tip top shape for sitting on your couch and fighting bad guys as Spidey. Plus, nobody truly does yoga without talking about it all. the. time. So use that opportunity to annoy your Xbox friends even more. 

Go Fight Some Real Crime 

There's no better way to make yourself feel like Spider-Man than to actually go out and be the vigilante your city, community, or Amish compound needs. Let's make this abundantly clear though: don't go out picking fights! Do some more peaceful crime fighting. Like pick up some litter or stop that one homeless guy from peeing in the park fountain.  

Find a Spider and Get it to Bite You

Nobody has ever denied that Spider-Man can actually exist in the real world. It's highly unlikely but entirely possible that the right power-imbuing radioactive spider is out there. We just need to find it. But unlike in the comics, it'll take a little more time than just a chance encounter. So go out into your backyard and find some spiders that look like they could give you powers and who knows. Maybe you'll be the lucky winner. (Just so you're aware, if you actually try to do this, there is NO WAY you will come out a winner).

Have An Inflammatory Article Written About You In The Paper

Spider-Man wouldn't be Spider-Man without getting lambasted in the tabloids at every turn. So if you're really looking to get into that Spidey mindset, maybe grease a reporter or two and get them to write an article about you saying you cheated on a test or something. Nobody reads the actual newspaper anyway. So don't worry about the general public thinking you're a phony. 

Wear A Spidey Suit Underneath Your Clothes At All Times

Take it from us, if you do this enough, you definitely start to feel like you can climb walls. Maybe its also the copious amount of Red Bull we drink on a daily basis, but its more fun to think that wearing a suit and always being ready makes us feel like we have powers. Don't judge. This blog is a judgement-free zone.

Disclaimer: This post is satire. If you don't want to be hated by your friends and the media, possibly beaten up by criminals, fatally poisoned via spider venom, all while gaming on an outdated CRT TV, please don't follow any of this so-called "advice".

2 comments

  • I love this post! Write more please!

    Dmarie
  • This was a great post! Keep up the good work.

    Ashish

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